The question of how to discipline children arises frequently in therapy. Many parents enter therapy with their child or children feeling frustrated. They have tried strategies that haven’t worked for their family. When I meet with parents, I teach positive parenting skills. Positive parenting focuses on consistency in rules, rewards, and consequences. Today, I would like to share about Positive Parenting strategies for introducing and implementing rules and consequences in the home. Positive discipline can be broken into four simple steps: defining the rules, checking for comprehension, identifying consequences, and following through with consequences.

Define The Rules

The first step to Positive Parenting is to define the rules. Children do not automatically know the rules. The best rules are short, simple, and specific. For example, the rule “no television late at night” is much harder to understand and therefore obey than “no television after 8:00 P.M.” Rules that are too long can usually be divided into multiple rules. For example, “you must do the dishes once per week, make your bed everyday, and no television after 8:00 P.M” can become three different rules. Examples of short, simple, and specific rules include:

• You must give me your cell phone before your bedtime at 10:00 P.M.
• No television after 8:00 P.M.
• You must pick up your toys when you are done playing.

For younger children, it can be helpful to have a “Rules List” in the house. I sometimes work with clients to create this rules list with their children in session. We write out the rules, the parent and the child signs the rule sheet, and it is hung somewhere in their house. If you choose to implement the rule sheet, make sure to place it somewhere where everyone can view it, such as the kitchen fridge.

Check For Comprehension

The second step is to check for your child’s comprehension of the rules. Make sure that your child understands the rules. Ask him or her to repeat the rules back to you. Give an example scenario and see if he or she can identify if the rule is being broken. For example, you may ask your child “can you or your brother watch television at 8:30 P.M. tonight?” This gives you the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. It also nullifies the “I didn’t understand” excuse that may occur later.

Identify the Consequences

Consequences are what happen when a rule is broken. It is important for a child to know the rules AND the consequences for breaking that specific rule. It is important for consequences to be specific and consistent. Choose a consequence that doesn’t hurt you to follow through. For example, if unplugging the television is as painful for you as it is for your child, you are less likely to follow through and consistently use the consequences. Emphasize your child’s choice in behavior. This will help him or her connect decisions, actions, and consequences. Examples of specific and consistent consequences include:

• If you choose not to pick up your toys when you are done playing, you cannot use those toys for two days.
• If you choose not to finish your homework, you cannot use your Xbox that night.

Consequences can be positive too! For example, you may not demand that you want your child to help mow the lawn – but it can be beneficial to have a positive consequence for that behavior. Examples of positive consequences (also known as rewards) include:

• If you choose to mow the lawn, I will give you $10.00 each time.
• If you study hard and get an A, I will let you pick out one toy at the store.
• If you help put your dishes away, you can pick the movie tonight.

Children and teenagers may try to argue about the “fairness” of the rule. As a parent, it is your right to set rules in the household. Children and teenagers are gifted debaters, especially when it comes to information that affects them. If your child or teen tries to debate a rule, do not engage. You can simply say “because it is the rule” as an explanation.

Define the Behavior Through the Rule & Follow Through

It is normal for children to test limits. When your child breaks a rule, explain what happened through the rule. Then follow through on the consequence that you identified. Explain the consequence as it relates to the rule. Examples of this include:

• The rule is no television past 8:00 P.M. and it is 8:30. That means no television tomorrow. (Parent removes access to television)
• The rule is if you don’t finish your homework, you can’t use your Xbox. You are choosing not to do your homework so you cannot play your Xbox tonight. (Parent removes access to Xbox)

Many parents struggle to follow through with consequences, especially early on in therapy. Parents love their children and it can be hard to implement a consequence. Sometimes, children and teens have very strong reactions to consequences. They scream, yell, curse, and may even become physically aggressive. This can make it easy for parents to cave. However, each time a parent gives in and removes the consequence, the child or teen learns that if he or she yells, curses, or throws enough toys, then he or she will get his or her way. This makes the child or teen even more likely to have these responses to consequences in the future. Therefore, following through with consequences, especially early on, is an essential step for setting firm boundaries and rules for your child.